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Archives for : January2005

Wish I were the tin man

when your heart breaks… it does hurt.. right where your heart is located.. even tho it’s not really your heart.. it still hurts there.. like you can’t breathe.. I just don’t understand… I … ain’t ever going to stop feeling it……………. I know God is punishing me.. I’ve done all these things.. and now I’m getting punished again.. … I cursed him when I was the one who did the deed… and now he’s making me pay… I wonder when I’ll have finally paid for my sins… I wonder if I died right now… where I’d go… I wonder why.. when all I’ve ever wanted was to have a place to belong to.. that at 28 I’ve still not found that place….. I don’t think life is worth it.. why when I have only loved…. do I not recieve it back.. do you know what it’s like to love people with all of your heart.. that it hurts right where your heart is located.. even tho it’s not really your heart.. like you can’t breathe… and wonder why people don’t feel that way about you….. whats so bad about me that everyone I love unconditionally………. leaves. Why do I have to go thru this time and time again? What can I do to make others want to keep me? I just want to be someone’s. I want someone to want me as much as I want them. I want to stop feeling so worthless.. and unwanted… I want to be love unconditionally… I want there to be nothing wrong with me… I feel so stupid.. and ugly.. and unloveable.. and trashy.. It’s just a matter of time before Har gets married… 10 more years he says.. and he’ll be gone too…I’m so confused.. and sad…I don’t know what’s truth and what I just believe to keep from throwing myself off a cliff… I honestly can’t take anymore heartbreak… It would probablly be easier to take a beating… than to hurt like this.. I’d rather someone punch me in the face…. than to feel my heart break…

Friday Niiiaaaahhhhtt

It’s been a while since I got off on a friday…teehee… I’m hateful.. and annoying.. evidently.. both of which I had no clue of.. well I knew I was annoying… Maybe I’m hateful too.. should I even try anymore? Maybe I’m just not used to the constructive critism.. but I had no idea.. yea I get a bee up my ass sometimes.. specially when I’m not in the best mood to start with.. but I’ve allways tried to make everyone I meet feel special… and a lot of people feel loved… a lot of the times that’s what’s wrong with a lot of people.. because they don’t feel loved.. they feel alone.. maybe that’s just me.. maybe I think I have the world figured out in my small teeny woman sized brain… and I’m just all wrong.. period.. maybe people could care less about feeling loved.. about having someone to yak at… maybe I’m living in this little fantasy world.. that all the world needs now is love sweet love.. not just for some.. but for everyone…I’m retarded… Maybe I’m immature.. I’m psycho.. I’m all the above… My sense of humor I guess isn’t appreciated to the extent that it used to be.. I wonder.. if I’ve just gotten less funny over the years.. or those who used to enjoy my “wittiness” back in the day was just saying that in hopes that I would stop …. I thought I was liked.. *shrugs* maybe I should just stop…………