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Archives for : December2005

The eyes are the windows to the soul

The pictures I like of myself are the ones where you cannot look into my eyes. The ones I’m looking down or my eyes are closed. I was thinking about this on one of the drives home this week. I can’t stand looking into my eyes. I think even tho I’m going through life happily, there are things that are hidden within the windows to my soul that even I can’t stand looking at. I wonder how others are able to look at me without the disgust that I feel? I have come a long way on my quest of self esteem. I no longer see myself as a worthless piece of shit. I have found that I am deserving of love. I still see pain in myself. I still see anger in my thoughts. I still get so lonely sometimes that I bury myself in self pity. My feelings get hurt at the simplest things. I am still trying to make everyone else happy and forgetting about myself. I worry to much and I obsess of silly things. I remember being a kid and having such a wild imagination. I would dream myself into a place that would be safe and happy. I was always trying to be someone else by pretending I was. I could really play the part most of the time. Last weds I straightened my hair before work.. while I was doing it I remember thinking I want to be someone else today. I’m constantly comparing myself to others thinking I wish I had that quality and then I find myself imitating them. I used to love the way my aunt would walk, I find myself trying to walk like her every now and then. I admired my mom for being able to create anything out of a rubber band and a chewing gum wrapper… I try to imitate her creativeness. I like the way Jon is a rebel. I try to be rebellious. Machelle’s way of being Machelle.. Hard to explain.. just as hard to imitate. Daniel’s wittiness, Lauren’s steel wall, David’s way of being disciplinish but making you like it. Barry and Sandy’s way of being cool. Michelle’s way of being really really hard assed and queenish, but then making you forget it when she calls you a nickname. Susan’s way of being confident. Clara’s confidence as well as her tough as nails attitude. I know I steal other people’s qualities all the time. The way they drive, they way they hold their head, words they say, laughs, it’s like I have no idea who I am.. I’m trying to piece together myself from parts of other people. I am non existent, I am built from everyone else and as I flip through the photo’s of my life.. I’ll look into my eyes.. and wish the curtains were closed…

Just Leave

I get to attached to people and they ultimately end up either leaving or not getting attached to me. I’ve always gotten attached to people so easily that when they leave or move on with their lives I’m left trapped in the feeling of abandonment. I adopt people as a surrogate family and they have no idea or even realize the impact they have on my life. I learn from these people a great deal and they have no idea they are helping me save my life. DR has been like a sort of brother/father figure to me. He somehow knows how to take situations and teach me how to handle things. Like water off of a duck. How do people do that? SK is like the big sister I never had. I’ve always been the person that has been looked up to.. I look up to her now. Just like sisters don’t always get along. We don’t either. CT same thing.. only she’s a little nicer. There are others.. that when they just remember my name make me feel on top of the world. People who have no idea that their lives impact mine so deeply that I’ll always remember them no matter where they go.. and I do care about them as well. I would never say that.. not to them.. not ever… My attachments to people border mental disorder. These people would think I was insane did they know I felt so deeply about them. How do you not care about others? Not just not care about people … but how do you keep from getting so insanely attached to others that oftentimes you find yourself feeling sad when they leave? I don’t think I’ve gotten as close to JD as I could have for that fact. Here are these people that don’t even think about me after the day is done and then JD… I sometimes feel like I’m only going to get to enjoy what I’ve always wondered about for just a short time. There is actually really love that doesn’t hurt and don’t make you feel worthless. Love just because ya do. Unconditional. Yellow hair, blood clots, it doesn’t matter. I guess maybe my feelings about myself keep me from believing it could be a permanent thing instead of a temporary one. Almost as if it’s such a perfect thing.. a person like me couldn’t be a part of that because I’m vile and I poison everything and everyone I touch or come into contact with.