Archives for : February2006

If I never

If I never swallow a shrimp whole I’ll be just fine.

If I never blame someone for putting mud in my car just to match the bottom of my shoe to the print I’ll be ok.

If I never turn my alarm off again before getting up I’ll be perfect.

If I never eat Chow Mein again I’ll be A-Ok.

If I never work dayshift again I’ll kinda be ticked.

If I never beat the URBZ sims in the city I’ll be disapointed.

If I never ….T-B-C….

Always a part of me no matter where you go

Do you have that one person in your life whom you’ll never forget? For some reason or another your lives went totally different ways (wether or not they should have) but they did.. and yet you still feel thier hands holding yours. You can still hear thier laugh. The way they asked you out on your birthday… and how every year on thier birthday.. or exactly 9 months later on your special day you wonder wether they are thinking of you too?

How you are happy that they have someone and that they seem to have a happy life but wonder what would have happened had that day in the truck not been the last time. How you were so concerned about having a connection to someone you couldn’t just wait a couple of months you had to do it then or never.. and then suddenly find that you made the biggest mistake of your life and that the one that you loved back then.. and every day since then was finally gone.

Do you ever ride home during the early hours of the morning and feel them sitting next to you… thinking about what you would say or how one day it might be again.. but knowing in your heart that that day in the truck.. when they told you no.. was the last time you would ever have that connection.. and even tho your heart holds on to that “might” or “maybe” or “one day” you know that this life is so short that your chance is over.. does it hurt right where your heart is.. even tho it’s not your heart.. it hurts..

How you want to be happy for them and thier life.. but secretly you would be giddy to find that they were in the same situation you were in.. and how you would run to them and place your hand on thier cheek and breathe them in.. How you would cook for them, clean for them, and bring them a cold one when they came home from work. How you would never push them away like you once did… how now you realize the reasoning behind all of the yucky feelings you had when they tried to hold you.. and how you realize it had nothing to do with them or your love for them but instead how it had to do with what you had been through once upon a time.

How now you wish you could tell them that.. and tell them that you never stopped loving them.. that you would always love them… and that it was never them.. but a demon inside of you… and how that demon is no longer a threat because you finally figured out why you were so angry.. and now you aren’t angry anymore… but yet the demon diminished any hope for the future that you would ever be able to share a single kiss again.

How empty you feel without thier presence..

and even tho you can look back on the time you peed on them, or when they peed on you back.. and the time spent at the lake.. and giggle, Fire Water and Garth Brooks, You can’t help but feel that sinking feeling in your stomach…

that feeling of lostness, and loneliness… and had you not have thought the right thing to do was to leave…

you might be running your hands through thier hair.. and waking them up for work now.. and rubbing your round belly….

instead of living in what if’s.. and why didn’t I’s… and Maybe one day’s…


If I ever

If I ever move to another place where no one knows me I think I’ll go by the name Laine.

If I ever win the lottery I think I will buy myself a gameboy DS.

If I ever get a chance to meet my brother I will cherish that forever.

If I ever get to go to the beach again I think I will rent one of those shade chairs and sit there from dusk til dawn.

If I ever graduate college I want to have a party. One with balloons and cake.

If I ever have a daughter I want to buy everything in pink and pinch her toes.

If I ever become a grandmother I want to bake cookies and knit them some clothes.

If I ever become a lawyer I want to be held in contempt of court, and have reporters running up to me with their microphones in my face while I run to the stretch limo with my black briefcase and files under my arm yelling “I have no further comments at this time”

If I ever become a law enforcement official I want give a speeding ticket to a girl.

If I ever become a detective I want to have a pink badge holder.

If I ever become a forensic pathologist I want to wear a pink lab coat and listen to 80’s metal bands while performing autopsies.

If I ever do these things I’ll be cool.