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Archives for : May2006

Turn it up some

I drive with my radio turned up really loud… to drown out my thoughts. Sometimes I’ll be driving and forget where I am.. I’ll have to wait til I pass the next exit to make sure I haven’t crossed the state line. So I drive with extremely loud music to keep my thinking at a minimum. I’ve been doing some extensive research on a paper for Comp II and it’s made my thoughts lately unbearable. My paper is called… Forced to Grow up. It’s about child molesters, thier sentences, and the sentence they force upon their innocent victims. When Har turned 5 I had a hard time letting him go to school… When he turned 6 I had a hard time allowing him to spend any significant amount of time with any of his male relatives. When Har turned 7 I thought I had finally let go of the demons… Now that he’s 8 I’m scared to death someone is going to do something to him. To me everyone is a potential child molester. People who smile while walking by you in the store, people you live beside, people you work with, people who are related to me…. every male character in my life is a potential child molester. My fear is so profound that the 30 minute drive to and from work is extremely difficult because I have nothing to do with my mind but to think… How do I protect him from this disgusting feeling I have everyday. How do you live… and not worry so much that your stomach stays tied in knots… I’m afraid to let him be near anyone… just a simple pat on the back from his T-ball coach sends chills down my spine. I have anxiety so bad that when I’m driving home from school on Friday nights I can’t breathe.. and it feels like my skin is slowly suffocating me…..

It’s like everything I see is soiled…

I feel like keeping us locked in a room where no one can get to us…

and yet.. I know I can’t

that’s the scarey part..