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Archives for : May2006

Turn it up some

I drive with my radio turned up really loud… to drown out my thoughts. Sometimes I’ll be driving and forget where I am.. I’ll have to wait til I pass the next exit to make sure I haven’t crossed the state line. So I drive with extremely loud music to keep my thinking at a minimum. I’ve been doing some extensive research on a paper for Comp II and it’s made my thoughts lately unbearable. My paper is called… Forced to Grow up. It’s about child molesters, thier sentences, and the sentence they force upon their innocent victims. When Har turned 5 I had a hard time letting him go to school… When he turned 6 I had a hard time allowing him to spend any significant amount of time with any of his male relatives. When Har turned 7 I thought I had finally let go of the demons… Now that he’s 8 I’m scared to death someone is going to do something to him. To me everyone is a potential child molester. People who smile while walking by you in the store, people you live beside, people you work with, people who are related to me…. every male character in my life is a potential child molester. My fear is so profound that the 30 minute drive to and from work is extremely difficult because I have nothing to do with my mind but to think… How do I protect him from this disgusting feeling I have everyday. How do you live… and not worry so much that your stomach stays tied in knots… I’m afraid to let him be near anyone… just a simple pat on the back from his T-ball coach sends chills down my spine. I have anxiety so bad that when I’m driving home from school on Friday nights I can’t breathe.. and it feels like my skin is slowly suffocating me…..

It’s like everything I see is soiled…

I feel like keeping us locked in a room where no one can get to us…

and yet.. I know I can’t

that’s the scarey part..

What woulda…

What woulda happened?

Would I have laughed.. and made you smile?

Would you have confirmed what I think.. that you know me better than anyone.. even myself.

Would I have learned lessons of life.. that I should have learned from childhood…

Would I have taught you something?

Would I have been open and honest..

Would I have destroyed something precious..

Would I have accidently let my feelings show?

Have I soiled the image you hold for me…

what woulda happened…

I’m not sure I want to know…

*loveyabye*

Bitchy? Damn right I am!

Ok.. so I have an 8 year old son whom I don’t get to see that often because when I am not at work.. he’s at school.. (or I’m having to sleep.. because reguardless of everyone’s opinion sleep is a necessity.. not a recreation) I am a full time student.. (also a requirement.. if I want to afford the things my son needs.. college, food, shelter) I work almost 50 hours a week babysitting adults who should not need adult supervision… AND I have a boyfriend whom I get to see 1 day a week, at the grocery store.. or when I pass by him with a load of laundry.

Yes I’m bitchy..

I have feelings, needs, and I get stressed, and I don’t feel good all the time… Is it not ok for me to be in a bad mood every now and then??

I don’t get to go out a lot.. 1. I have no friends.. 2. I have an 8 year old son who I don’t want to take time away from… 3. When do I have time just to be an adult? I’m being an adult every day of my life… the 3 days a week I have off I’m cramming them so full of stuff I can’t get done during the week I’m rushing around on Sunday to get clean clothes to wear….

The people I enjoy getting thier opinions from and learning from… I’m obviously not allowed to converse with…

I have things I need to talk about.. things I would like some input on… sometimes I feel everyone takes what they need and then leaves me to fend on my own…

I feel like screaming…. a lot….

But yet.. when I walk through life I’m expected to do so with a smile…. always in a pleasent mood.. never have any concerns or gripes..

You know as much as I would like to agree with you.. I’m not a goddess.. I’m not perfect.. I have to shake my ketchup just like everyone else.. So when I’m not smiling.. when I look as if I’m having a bad day… if I seem a little stressed and might need someone to talk to.. don’t ask me why I look down… don’t ask me If I need someone to chat with for a sec… don’t be concerned that I might have feelings… just remember one thing….

I’m a bitch…

get over it..