Archives for : October2014

What I couldn’t say II

I had been thinking of what you said here. It does seem that things got worse from there on with your addictions. It didn’t start there though. You had been drinking long before Gatlinburg. It was one of the things Mom would call and bitch about because Tina was a recovering alcoholic. The only reason I bring it up is I know NOW Gatlinburg was Kim’s fault. Mamaw staying in Bulls Gap as long as she did was Kim’s fault. The 3 years I spent on my couch alone and desperate to die was Kim’s fault. If there is anything I left out just let me know. I’m not being pissy. I was blindsided by the four of you and had absolutely NO idea why? I still don’t. Then you want me to take Em to see your photo’s because your page is open and there are NO photos that she would really care to see and the post about me holding onto bitterness is obviously hidden. I’m not causing drama. I don’t want drama. I want to live up to what my karma debt is and let everyone else have theirs. That’s exactly why I told Dad I do not want any part of any of you. You, you sat there and listened to me cry because no one would help me get her out of there. You, you were telling me I should get her to change the POA. You, you know better than anyone that I don’t abuse my medication and I have never done anything stronger than pot. Yet, I’m still hearing I’m addicted to drugs. I’m in rehab in TX. I’m getting CC offers in the name Dailey L Aldridge. After mom got bored of trying to cause me to kill myself? I had never, ever, been able to just live life, have fun with you and our families and not be angry about anything. After Gatlinburg, I found out what life was about. The promises we made to each other when we were kids were all being kept. I finally was able to just have my family. When I realized you had been stabbing me in the back, after the 2 years you just left me alone and I craved just a text from you and you were helping push me away from the only person -I- ever had? I died. I told Dad goodbye, that I wanted him to let you and Bo know I was sorry I ever took any of Dad’s love because it wasn’t fair. He was your Dad. You were his daughter

What I couldn’t say

Well, I didn’t mean to get into stuff either. Even tho if we don’t talk about it, then it’s an elephant sitting in the room. Yanno? What I really meant was.. You don’t care about me period. At all. Cause I’m still confused on what really happened. I’m not like her. I can’t ‘move on if we just don’t talk about it ever again’ because I sit here and try to figure out what I did in order to stop from doing it again. It’s like first I got ‘mad’ too often. Then I blew up every 6 months, then I was depressed. I have been left alone for 3 years basically with just Mamaw to talk to. You would call and talk or text but it always seemed like when I got ready to tell you what we had been doing you had to go. Then out of the blue, while I was trying to understand why Elaine was blaming ME for the condition Mamaw was in, after what I had just been through and what I was currently going through and because I wasn’t taking her shit any more (and you can CCP that shit to the both of them cause I don’t GAF) she gets mad and punishes me and my Grandmother which would NOT have happened had I been there and I had no choice in the matter. But then you go from telling me how she is and this n that and you just jump ship and out of nowhere act like I was trying to do something to my Mamaw? I just wanted to be able to talk to her Tiffany. I wanted what was best for her too. She would have died before she would have went with Mom an you know that. I don’t know what I did to you. I can’t have anymore ‘mystery’ in my life. I try to change and please everyone and that’s what I decided when Elaine and her snotty ass tried to make ME feel like I was responsible when I couldn’t do any more than you could. I called everyone that I could get a hold of but if I had done what she “told” me to? I would be in jail for kidnapping and that’s fact. Past past. But I didn’t do anything period. All I did was tell her I had called who I could call, I got someone to take her groceries from 18 hours away and she didn’t like someone standing up and not bowing down to her and I understand if you needed money but even to this day I never said anything about you telling me anything (that I can recall) and I took whatever heat there was. You left me. If you want to talk and there not be tension you need to honest to God 1. Tell me if I am someone you give a shit about and 2. What did I do? What the fuck happened? I would talk about buying MJ things and you would brush them off, then I saw you had a crib somewhere? I wanted to be there. I couldn’t. I wanted to send something so I was there somehow. I couldn’t. You didn’t tell me until the day he was born. I feel like I was robbed of you and him for an entire year. For what? Then I can’t get simple answers? I’m not being angry. I’m not wanting to upset you. I don’t want to even show this to you because, like before, everyone gets to see it and nothing