Always a part of me no matter where you go

Do you have that one person in your life whom you’ll never forget? For some reason or another your lives went totally different ways (wether or not they should have) but they did.. and yet you still feel thier hands holding yours. You can still hear thier laugh. The way they asked you out on your birthday… and how every year on thier birthday.. or exactly 9 months later on your special day you wonder wether they are thinking of you too?

How you are happy that they have someone and that they seem to have a happy life but wonder what would have happened had that day in the truck not been the last time. How you were so concerned about having a connection to someone you couldn’t just wait a couple of months you had to do it then or never.. and then suddenly find that you made the biggest mistake of your life and that the one that you loved back then.. and every day since then was finally gone.

Do you ever ride home during the early hours of the morning and feel them sitting next to you… thinking about what you would say or how one day it might be again.. but knowing in your heart that that day in the truck.. when they told you no.. was the last time you would ever have that connection.. and even tho your heart holds on to that “might” or “maybe” or “one day” you know that this life is so short that your chance is over.. does it hurt right where your heart is.. even tho it’s not your heart.. it hurts..

How you want to be happy for them and thier life.. but secretly you would be giddy to find that they were in the same situation you were in.. and how you would run to them and place your hand on thier cheek and breathe them in.. How you would cook for them, clean for them, and bring them a cold one when they came home from work. How you would never push them away like you once did… how now you realize the reasoning behind all of the yucky feelings you had when they tried to hold you.. and how you realize it had nothing to do with them or your love for them but instead how it had to do with what you had been through once upon a time.

How now you wish you could tell them that.. and tell them that you never stopped loving them.. that you would always love them… and that it was never them.. but a demon inside of you… and how that demon is no longer a threat because you finally figured out why you were so angry.. and now you aren’t angry anymore… but yet the demon diminished any hope for the future that you would ever be able to share a single kiss again.

How empty you feel without thier presence..

and even tho you can look back on the time you peed on them, or when they peed on you back.. and the time spent at the lake.. and giggle, Fire Water and Garth Brooks, You can’t help but feel that sinking feeling in your stomach…

that feeling of lostness, and loneliness… and had you not have thought the right thing to do was to leave…

you might be running your hands through thier hair.. and waking them up for work now.. and rubbing your round belly….

instead of living in what if’s.. and why didn’t I’s… and Maybe one day’s…


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Comments (3)

  1. I used to. My husband changed all that and I am now glad I made the choices I did, but even so, I wonder if he ever thinks of me, just as a friend now, though.

    He was my best friend for a long time and I gave him up for a jerk…Who knows why we choose what we do….

  2. I saw that your one blog had gone away the other day and was wondering about you. You sound like someone I’d love to have lunch with sometime. If ever you have a free hour or just need a friend to laugh with over coffee holler at me. My treat =)

  3. He was my best friend for a long time and I gave him up for a jerk

    Me too…

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