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The eyes are the windows to the soul

The pictures I like of myself are the ones where you cannot look into my eyes. The ones I’m looking down or my eyes are closed. I was thinking about this on one of the drives home this week. I can’t stand looking into my eyes. I think even tho I’m going through life happily, there are things that are hidden within the windows to my soul that even I can’t stand looking at. I wonder how others are able to look at me without the disgust that I feel? I have come a long way on my quest of self esteem. I no longer see myself as a worthless piece of shit. I have found that I am deserving of love. I still see pain in myself. I still see anger in my thoughts. I still get so lonely sometimes that I bury myself in self pity. My feelings get hurt at the simplest things. I am still trying to make everyone else happy and forgetting about myself. I worry to much and I obsess of silly things. I remember being a kid and having such a wild imagination. I would dream myself into a place that would be safe and happy. I was always trying to be someone else by pretending I was. I could really play the part most of the time. Last weds I straightened my hair before work.. while I was doing it I remember thinking I want to be someone else today. I’m constantly comparing myself to others thinking I wish I had that quality and then I find myself imitating them. I used to love the way my aunt would walk, I find myself trying to walk like her every now and then. I admired my mom for being able to create anything out of a rubber band and a chewing gum wrapper… I try to imitate her creativeness. I like the way Jon is a rebel. I try to be rebellious. Machelle’s way of being Machelle.. Hard to explain.. just as hard to imitate. Daniel’s wittiness, Lauren’s steel wall, David’s way of being disciplinish but making you like it. Barry and Sandy’s way of being cool. Michelle’s way of being really really hard assed and queenish, but then making you forget it when she calls you a nickname. Susan’s way of being confident. Clara’s confidence as well as her tough as nails attitude. I know I steal other people’s qualities all the time. The way they drive, they way they hold their head, words they say, laughs, it’s like I have no idea who I am.. I’m trying to piece together myself from parts of other people. I am non existent, I am built from everyone else and as I flip through the photo’s of my life.. I’ll look into my eyes.. and wish the curtains were closed…

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Comments (2)

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    Hope you are well
    Kimberly

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